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A Tribute to George Carlin Memorial by Ben Klebba |
I heard George Carlin for the first time in 6th grade — sooner than some, later than others. I laughed and George blew my mind. Not only did he validate my views on what I already thought was ridiculous about society as I saw it in my pre-adolescent mind, he made everyone who heard him look at the world in a stark naked light. He had an unwavering prognosis on human psychology, American society, religion, and politics unmatched by his peers. A linguistic genius, with a rhythm filtered through his clamorous larynx, Carlin had a voice that will be missed.
“I get tired of people talking about bad words and bad language — bullshit! It’s the context that makes them good or bad. For instance, you take the word ‘nigger’ — there is absolutely nothing wrong with the word ‘nigger’ in and of itself. It’s the racist asshole who’s using it that you outta be concerned about. We don’t care when Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy say it — why? Cuz we know they’re not racist — they’re niggers. Context! We don’t mind their context because we know they’re black. Hey, I know I’m whitey the blue-eyed devil honky motherfucker myself — don’t bother my ass. They’re only words. You can’t be afraid of words that speak the truth. Even if it’s an unpleasant truth like the fact that there’s a bigot and a racist in every living room on every street corner in this country.”
“There is nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The people are fucked. Compared to the people the planet is doing great. It’s been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? We’ve been here what? 100,000 years? Maybe 200,000, and we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over 200 years. 200 years versus four and a half billion and we have the conceit to think that somehow we’re a threat?! That somehow we’re gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful blue green ball that’s just floatin’ around the sun. The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles, hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids, meteors, worldwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages — and we think some plastic bags and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are. We’re goin’ away. Pack your shit, folks. We’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace either. Thank God for that. Maybe a little Styrofoam. Maybe.”
“Some people are really fuckin’ stupid. Did you ever notice that? How many really stupid people you run into during the day. Goddamn there’s a lot of stupid bastards walkin’ around… Look at it this way — think of how stupid the average person is and then realize half of ‘em are stupider than that.”
“Motivation books? Motivation seminars? Why would anyone need to be motivated by someone else? I say if you need motivation, a seminar isn’t going to help you. What you really need is to be smashed in the head 30 or 40 times with a golf club. That’ll fuckin’ motivate you. Or at least get you up and movin’ around the room. You know, locate your socks and stuff like that. Get the day rollin’. Motivation is bullshit. If you ask me, this country could use a little less motivation. The people who’re motivated are the ones causin’ all the trouble — stock swindlers, serial killers, child molesters, Christian conservatives — these people are highly motivated. Motivation is overrated. You show me some lazy prick lyin’ around all day watchin’ game shows and stroking his penis and I’ll show you someone who’s not causin any fuckin’ trouble.”
“We were founded on a very basic double standard. This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free. So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, and move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, to give them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people! You know what the motto of this country outta be? ‘You give us a color, we’ll wipe it out!’”
“It’s a warlike country. C’mon, I mean forget foreign policy, the domestic rhetoric is warlike — everything about our domestic policy invokes the thought of war. You don’t like something in this country, we declare war on it — the war on poverty, the war on drugs, the war on crime, the war on AIDS, the war on cancer. We’ve got the only national anthem that mentions fuckin’ rockets and bombs in the goddamn thing!”
“When all those beheadings started in Iraq — didn’t bother me. I took it in stride… what’re you fuckin’ surprised?” Who cares if some mercenary civilian contractor from Oklahoma gets his head cut off? Fuck ‘em. Hey Jack, you don’t wanna get your head cut off? Stay the fuck in Oklahoma. They ain’t cutting off heads in Oklahoma. Far as I know.”
“I’ll betcha you could have an all suicide channel on cable TV. I’ll betcha. Shit — they got all golf — what the fuck?! You ever watch golf? It’s like watching flies fuck. If you can get a bunch of brainless assholes to waste a sunny afternoon on that kind of shit, you know you can get some people to watch some suicides. All day long. 24 hours a day. Nothin’ but suicides. Must Die TV. You’d get a lot of people volunteering to be on there too just so their friends could see them on TV. People are fuckin’ goofy.”
“These people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. It’s their civic duty — consumption. It’s the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. It’s consumption. The only true lasting American value that’s left — buyin’ things! People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives payin’ 18% interest on something that cost $12.50.”
“You know what’s interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fuckin’ hurry, but it’s also interesting to note who it is we assassinate. Did you ever notice who it is — stop to think who it is we kill? It’s always people who’ve told us ‘Live together in harmony and try to love one another.’ Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon — they all said ‘Try to live together peacefully.’ BAM! Right in the fuckin’ head. Apparently we’re not ready for that. That’s difficult behavior for us.”
“It’s called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
